Hither to Thy love has blest me;
Thou hast brought me to this place;
And I know Thy hand will bring me
Safely home by Thy good grace.

- - - - -

Let Thy goodness like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

- - - - -

You are the source of every new life,
the giver of every good thing.
Withholding nothing, You lavish Your kindness on me.

- - - - -

I stood in church and sang about these things—grace, trust about God's plans, God's kingdom and will on earth, God as the giver of every good thing—with invisible tears running down my face. Because it's true. And because even the truth doesn't rescue us from pain right now.

I need to die to something. Some things I need to give up. It hurts so, so badly. I think about what Jon said to me on Sunday: "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies..." (John 12:24) I'm really struggling in death pangs. To die without dying. To die and to live. How do I die and give up without stabbing my heart to death? Surrender without quiting or losing hope? When it hurts so badly, I just want to extinguish all sources of pain. Become a rock—a cold one. Build a protection to bar from getting hurt again. But that's not what I want. That is the death that smells of death and not of life. I want to lose my life so that I can gain it. But sometimes I can't tell the difference. I'm not capable by myself of offering up my very life, my dreams, and my heart without some sort of deadening pain killer. But no, to remain alive, so intensely alive, and live and survive and thrive and have a warm, open heart... that's what I'm half afraid of, mostly wanting, and feeling pretty clueless about getting to.

I know You are here. But, Jesus, You are not flesh and blood that I can touch. I need so much reassuring. You really know what you are doing? Because I don't. I need your love every day. God, I'm so weary. I know you are faithful. I'm human though. I will cry and cry even as I acknowledge your goodness, love, and faithfulness.