Tonight I learned something new: girls go to school and boys go to work—at least according to the wisdom of 3-year-old Brooke. :) It's interesting how little kids perceive the world.

Tonight I went to the YACTR (Young Adults of Christ the Redeemer) Bible study. We started back up after a short cessation and are going to be going through Philippians this summer. I like this choice.

We talked about a lot tonight. A few key themes stand out: community, selflessness, unity, single minded-ness. Paul is so selfless as he rejoices that Christ is proclaimed, even while he is imprisoned. Can I imagine that? How wd. I deal with being left out, in the “bad-boy” position, while others are out proclaiming the gospel, looking like the good guys while having rotten motives? It sounds pretty unfair to me, and I'd feel pretty miserable. Rejoice? Paul is completely selfless and focused on the gospel, and that is pretty cool. He's not looking at himself. He doesn't have control issues, and it really isn't all about him. Then there's community. The way we live a life that is worthy of the gospel is at least in part through fellowship and community with others, a godly one-minded-ness. Fellowship, sharing, encouragement, upholding—these are so important. With this kind of unity, the opponents are playing a game that was over before it even started. Then we move on to individuality and self sufficiency. It's not about that. Paul has it going for him, but he doesn't claim that. To kind of sum up, it's not about us, it's about Christ and the gospel, and our identity is in Christ not us. A practical application of this and a way to cultivate this attitude is thought fellowship with others, a community enthusiasm and focus. And I think... therein lies the key to the solution of the battle that rages in me between carving out my identity through doing things and, yes, still “doing” but not being defined by that.

Hither to Thy love has blest me;
Thou hast brought me to this place;
And I know Thy hand will bring me
Safely home by Thy good grace.

- - - - -

Let Thy goodness like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

- - - - -

You are the source of every new life,
the giver of every good thing.
Withholding nothing, You lavish Your kindness on me.

- - - - -

I stood in church and sang about these things—grace, trust about God's plans, God's kingdom and will on earth, God as the giver of every good thing—with invisible tears running down my face. Because it's true. And because even the truth doesn't rescue us from pain right now.

I need to die to something. Some things I need to give up. It hurts so, so badly. I think about what Jon said to me on Sunday: "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies..." (John 12:24) I'm really struggling in death pangs. To die without dying. To die and to live. How do I die and give up without stabbing my heart to death? Surrender without quiting or losing hope? When it hurts so badly, I just want to extinguish all sources of pain. Become a rock—a cold one. Build a protection to bar from getting hurt again. But that's not what I want. That is the death that smells of death and not of life. I want to lose my life so that I can gain it. But sometimes I can't tell the difference. I'm not capable by myself of offering up my very life, my dreams, and my heart without some sort of deadening pain killer. But no, to remain alive, so intensely alive, and live and survive and thrive and have a warm, open heart... that's what I'm half afraid of, mostly wanting, and feeling pretty clueless about getting to.

I know You are here. But, Jesus, You are not flesh and blood that I can touch. I need so much reassuring. You really know what you are doing? Because I don't. I need your love every day. God, I'm so weary. I know you are faithful. I'm human though. I will cry and cry even as I acknowledge your goodness, love, and faithfulness.

Here are those books I spoke of, if any of you would like to read them:

The Archives of Anthropos by John White—

• The Sword Bearer
• Gaal the Conqueror
• The Tower of Geburah
• The Iron Sceptre
• Quest for the King
• The Dark Lord's Demise
  

The Spirit Flyer Series by John Bibee—

• The Magic Bicycle: The Story of a Bicycle that Found a Boy
  
• The Toy Campaign: The Plot to Trick a Town with Toys
  
• The Only Game in Town: Win, and You Lose the Best Prize of All
  
• Bicycle Hills: How One Halloween Almost Got Out of Hand
  
• The Last Christmas: The Holiday Scheme to Stop Spirit Flyers
  
• The Runaway Parents: The Parable of the Problem Parents
• The Perfect Star: Becoming Children of the True King
  
• Journey of Wishes: A Trip the Changed John Adam for Good
  

These are favorites of mine, and I recommend both series. They are kids books but have some good spiritual truths in them. Plus, I'm thinking that John White must have been a TCK or something because the books have a certain something about them...

I'm struggling with feeling totally, completely abandoned by God, like he has forgotten what he's doing and forgotten about me.

I'm trying to keep my sanity tonight and think about truth and life outside of myself and my feelings. I thought of the Archives of Anthropos. When I've read those books and the Spirit Flyer Series, this in one thing that has always stood out to me, something that I first remember noticing one day in Cotonou a long time ago. We come to points in the stories where a character has a choice about what to do: trust an unknown evil, do what seems right, do what feels good, or trust and obey Gaal... We readers sometimes foresee the consequences, and we beg the character not to go the wrong path but to stick with what Gaal said, or to "just do it!" about something—let go, forgive, trust, or whatever is asked rightly of him or her. "Please," we plead. "It's so clear. Don't you see it?" But we ourselves are in a real story much like these I mentioned. In the books, I know that Gaal is good and right and things will work out right if one obeys and trusts him. I know because I can look ahead at the end. I know because of reading past stories about him. I know because he's Gaal, and what more can I say. The good-looking thing that wasn't in Gaal's plan isn't actually good. But the character can't see that? Sometimes I feel some disdain for the character... In my own life it's so much harder. God gives good gifts. Accept that. Trust. Obey. Could I stop fighting? Could I believe? Will all my "knowing," it still seems impossibly hard. Jesus, I want to receive with both hands.